Love is the root of the problem and the ultimate solution.
A few days ago, "divorce appointments are full" was a hot search.
on the one hand, the processing of normal divorce has been delayed due to special circumstances;
on the other hand, it is the exam season, and many couples finally come to this day.
I searched the Baidu index for the keyword "divorce" these days.
8th, the index showed an obvious upward trend.
it is reported that divorce applications after the college entrance examination are 20% more than those before the college entrance examination.
Last year, divorce appointments were scheduled until the end of August.
indeed, after the exam, many children will hear their parents' words:
"your parents and I are going to get a divorce."
for children, the taste is very complicated.
before the good news, let's wait for the "bad news" from my parents.
originally thought this was a turning point in life, but unexpectedly, it was also the key point of family breakdown.
but for parents, it may be a long-repressed relief.
if it wasn't for the kids
I got divorced a long time ago
someone once said:
"if young people come to divorce, we will still persuade;
if you wait for the child to finish the divorce exam, you don't have to persuade him, he must be dead. "
and when you ask them about the reasons for their divorce, the answer is often surprisingly consistent:
"I can't go on for a long time. I put it off so as not to disturb the children."
now that the children have finished the exam, we are finally liberated. "
two days ago, I saw a picture of the corridor.
three seats, the one in the middle shows no trace of sitting.
seems to show that divorced couples are no longer willing to intersect.
and for many divorced couples: how determined they are when they divorce, how tolerant they are before the college entrance examination.
there was a debate in Qifa Shuo that asked, "will couples who are determined to divorce hold on until the end of their children's college entrance examination?"
almost all the parents present chose to do so.
in their view, the future of children is far more important than their own happiness.
the poet Han Shimei withdrew her divorce proceedings and gave up the freedom she had longed for for many years.
just because my daughter is going to take the college entrance examination soon, I don't want to affect her studies.
A friend and a masked couple who have been pretending to be a couple for several years.
when the child is away, can the other person disappear immediately in front of his eyes;
but as soon as the child came back, they instantly became loving parents.
this sense of responsibility as a parent is touching, but it is also the sadness of parents.
I think that my patience can save my child's future.
but the greatest decline in children's grades may not be after the parents are really divorced.
but when the parents are already at odds with each other, but reluctantly together.
I once heard a classmate say that when I was in the third year of high school, I found that there was something wrong with my parents.
although I didn't show it, I could feel it, which made me not in the mood to study.
I am a little short of a heavy college, and I don't have a chance to go to the school I like.
it is difficult for parents to guarantee a bright future for their children by giving their children a complete "happy family".
researcher Chu Zhaohui once said:
"Children are sensitive to their parents' feelings. Even if the parents pretend to be harmonious, when there is something wrong with the relationship, the child is doomed to be hurt and there is no escape. "
there is also a "set effect" in psychology, which refers to a prepared psychological state, which can affect the development direction of follow-up activities.
if a marriage is defined as "for the child", then the couple's focus will only be on the child.
Marriage will only develop in a more broken direction, and children will only feel more and more pressure.
in this perfect family in disguise, there is no so-called sacrifice of parents for the sake of children.
everyone is a victim and a loser.
Mom and Dad, get divorced
I'm in too much pain
emotional mentor Tu Lei once said:
"in terms of observation and observation, children have natural insight.
it's just that we deceive ourselves by being unwilling to admit it. "
when parents have emotional problems and deceive themselves, children often feel like a mirror.
the writer Chi Li waited until the end of the child's exam and had a showdown with the child.
did not expect the child to say: "I already know, you are always deliberately suppressing emotions;
you may not feel it yourself, but in fact it's obvious. "
A friend told me that as the exam approached, she noticed that her parents were happier than before.
she also breathed a sigh of relief because she knew, "my parents' divorced boot is finally going to fall off."
even though her parents quarreled behind her back, she suffered physically and mentally.
the director of a hospital responsible for the mental health of teenagers and children once said:
"many children who go to hospitals for psychological counseling and treatment come from families whose parents conceal their divorce."
there are as many children as there are parents who pretend to be in love.
what is more worrying is that some parents' forbearance is in the name of being good for their children.
they tell their children, "I'm not getting a divorce for you."
Let children have a deep sense of guilt, feeling that they have delayed their parents' pursuit of happiness and forced their parents to force themselves in an unhappy marriage.
there are parents who just insist on the integrity of the family, speak ill of each other in front of their children, and force their children to fight.
they only feel that they have sacrificed themselves for their children, but they are not aware of the harm to their children.
once saw a netizen say:
"I seem to be holding a dictionary with a distorted meaning.
the synonym for "I love Mom" is "I hate Dad", and the synonym for "I want Mom to be happy" is "I don't want to see Dad".
at an age when I haven't even held a boy's hand, I want to chew on the discord of a failed marriage with my mother. "
Wang limin, a professor of psychology at Harbin Medical University, did a lot of research and found that
parents attacking each other do more harm to their children than divorce.
in this case, the probability of a child having psychological problems is as high as 32%.
indeed, in such a home, there is only a complete body, but there is no temperature that should be there. It is no wonder that there is nothing wrong with the child's psychology.
Don't hurt both yourself and the child in this way.
Don't let the children end up feeling that it doesn't matter whether their parents divorce or not.
with or without that piece of paper, this is not my home anywhere in the world.
what I can't accept is not divorce
but my parents kept it from me
Children who are already aware of their parents' emotional problems:
deliberately choosing this point in time will not substantially reduce the injury;
for unnoticed children, the divorce of their parents is undoubtedly a bolt from the blue.
in the TV series "female psychologist", Una's parents have long been divorced, but pretended to stay together in order to avoid affecting her further studies.
while Una overheard her parents arguing and learned that her parents' marriage broke up:
could not accept this result. He tried to commit suicide twice and did not hesitate to hurt himself to save his parents' marriage.
Children who are concealed will blame themselves for their parents' emotional problems.
try every means to make up for your guilt.
like the daughter played by Zhang Zifeng in the movie the Future of Summer, she finds that Mom and Dad:
is not what you think, parents who love each other so much that they can never divorce.
the two divorced a long time ago so that she would not leave home, and her father already had a new home outside.
so he deliberately failed in the exam and forced himself to repeat it.
I hope that the extra year will make my parents' marriage better again.
when she found out that it was impossible, she, who had always been a good girl and a good student, completely collapsed.
play truant from school, run away from home, in this way of self-injury:
avoid facing the truth that parents are divorced and no longer in love.
and this kind of self-injury doesn't just last for a few months.
I have seen a college counselor share those students who changed from top students to truant students as soon as they entered college:
many students suddenly find that their parents have already left.
the impact of school entrance examination on children's lives is sometimes far less than that of parents concealing the impact of divorce on their children's lives.
after many years of adulthood, learning will no longer make a child tremble, but his parents will hide the damage caused by divorce.
they may lose trust in intimacy and marriage.
there is a popular saying that when asked what your parents' marriage taught you, the child replied, "Don't get married."
A friend who found his parents divorced and never left home continued to fall in love in adulthood and refused to get married.
A boyfriend once asked her to marry him, but her reaction was:
"if you don't buy me that ring, maybe we can go out a little longer."
conceal divorce, for parents, it may only take one day to divorce;
for children, it may take a lifetime to get out.
of course, parents love each other, which is the most ideal family state.
but when an intimate relationship has been irreparably broken, parents need to understand:
"the greatest significance of the family is not separation or union, but the flow of love."
when there is no love between husband and wife, at least let the children feel, no matter whether the parents are apart or together:
"neither will affect his parents' love for him, nor will it affect him from becoming a person with loving energy."
when you decide to divorce, it is better to get together and break up and maintain decency.
Let children know that parents are separated, not that they are no longer loved;
but in a different way, still deeply loved by my parents.
Love is the root of the problem and the ultimate solution.
such a separation is the beginning of another kind of happiness;
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it is a blessing for children that parents can do so.
May children grow up in love and will eventually be cured by love.